


Why Hobbits Hate Technology and Mirrors

by onestepatatime



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 13:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18874117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onestepatatime/pseuds/onestepatatime
Summary: Thorin installs a remote starter on Bilbo's car. It does not go well. Modern times with dwarves and hobbits.





	Why Hobbits Hate Technology and Mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> This is a chapter from an unfinished work being reposted on its own.

“What is this?” Bilbo eyed Thorin warily when the dwarf handed him a set of car keys.

He had trusted the dwarf to be careful with his car when Thorin’s own car had ‘unexpectedly’ needed to be in the shop for repairs. Though, Bilbo would never deem the word ‘car' an apt description of the ridiculously huge metallic blue H2 Hummer, with 'H2 Hummer' in black pinstripe letters, no less. Bilbo much preferred his sensibly sized car. It might be small by dwarven standards, but he was proud of his environmentally responsible, electric Smart ForTwo. The car was a pretty shade of emerald green and was even a convertible, sort of.

“Your car keys.” Thorin was trying much too hard to look innocent.

“The fob on my keychain was a silicone image of the earth.” It was bad enough that the car key had door locks and an alarm on it. Now the key ring had a suspicious black blob attached to it.

“You got me a remote starter, didn’t you?” Bilbo glared.

Thorin gave a weak smile and shrugged. “Yes.”

“Why?” It had taken months of searching for the Company to find a car that fit Bilbo’s exacting standards for a responsible car. He had only relented in getting a vehicle when Dori had pointed out that cabs ran on gas and Bofur pointed out that Bilbo could take Frodo to his baby well check appointments to keep his parents from having to leave work.

“I just wanted the best for you.” Thorin had been horrified at Bilbo’s idea of a proper car. It came with an excellent stereo, but the engine wouldn’t precisely warm up the car in winter. He’d had nightmares of finding a frozen hobbit in a parking lot somewhere.

“You can start the engine and let the car warm up before going outside.” Thorin gestured out of Bilbo’s living room window. Outside, a few early snowflakes were dancing with the last few leaves of autumn in their descent to the ground.

“Thorin, modifying a car’s ignition is strongly advised against in the owner’s manual. Did you even bother to take it to the dealer to have the work done? You can void the warranty.” Bilbo had spent two days reading the manual, after the dealer had shown him every feature, before he would drive his car.

“What if Frodo is ill? Wouldn’t you like to take him out to a toasty warm car to go to the doctor’s office?” Thorin herded Bilbo through the hallway to the nursery where Frodo stayed when Bilbo watched him. He held up a red and white toy cow holding a mirror.

“You deserve some niceties to help you in life, Bilbo. Let me do this for you.” Thorin made Bilbo look at his own reflection. “You are no good to Frodo or anyone else if you don’t help yourself first.”

“Show me this starter thingy then. It’s already on the car.” Bilbo sigh. He also couldn’t afford to have the car in the shop this week. He had promised Ori a ride to Dwalin’s latest idea in a self-defense class.

“You’re going to love it!” Thorin grinned as he again propelled Bilbo out to the living room. “Give it a try.”

“You go first.” Bilbo crossed his arms with a frown.

“Tada!” Thorin pointed the remote at the car and pushed a button with a flourish.

KABOOM! The car, Bilbo’s brand new/barely driven/lovingly washed, vacuumed and waxed every Saturday car transformed into a fiery inferno.

“Keys.” Bilbo calmly held his hand up to the shocked Thorin.

“What? We need to call the fire department.”

“Your keys, please.” Bilbo glared until Thorin handed him a set with a gold coin as a fob.

“I won’t be needing this.” Bilbo unwound the black car starter and threw it in the trash.

“Bilbo, I need my car.” Thorin’s brain was beginning to work again.

“I need to go car shopping. You need to call the fire department and clean up this mess.” Bilbo gestured outside as he put on his coat.

“But I…How are you even going to fit?”

“You can download one of those car ride hiring apps. Uber or something? Not my problem.”

Thorin could only watch in shock as firemen drowned the remains of Bilbo’s car and said hobbit drove away in his own H2, tires peeling with a loud squeal. 

 

Bilbo's car:

Source: https://www.netcarshow.com/Smart-fortwo_Cabrio_electric_drive-2017-wallpaper.jpg

 

Thorin's car:

Source: http://forgiato.com/photos/car-photos/hummer/h2/hummer-h2-blue-luminoso-attivo-l-1-7232014.jpg


End file.
